You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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