you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
