Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
