in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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