Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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