um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
