non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
