I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Michael Bay diarrhea
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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