Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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