i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
