Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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