im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
