I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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