you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
