I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
