This is not my ceiling
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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