Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
