Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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