Princesses don't give blow jobs
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
