so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
