you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
