I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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