This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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