She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
