I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
