High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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