It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
