everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You're like the curious george of whores
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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