Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
