Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
