i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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