Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I didn't shave. On purpose
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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