I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
