I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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