I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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