And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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