So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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