so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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