Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
