that's an acceptable place to lick
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
