Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
