He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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