Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
