Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
