Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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