I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
