i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
