Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
