I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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