Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
